Loss to Suicide, a Guest Post by Nancy Marshall
Like so many issues in health, prevention is the name of the game. This article does not mean to imply we can prevent every death. People have many facets and can surprise us. However, if one life can be saved we must do what we can at all times. There are links between depression and suicide and between substance abuse and suicide. In suicide, people are seeking a physical solution to a mental pain. People will commit suicide looking for a new power, a “trapdoor” to a better life. It is called the permanent solution to a temporary problem.
It’s often said that people who talk about suicide are “attention seeking.” Yes, they are, but they also often complete the act. Frequently there are a number of suicide attempts before one is completed. It is far preferable to be “wrong” and a little embarrassed for approaching someone to help than to actually lose him.
Suicide is NOT Romantic
We need to challenge some of the romantic images of suicide as a brave, romantic act. Such deaths are horrible to behold, and leave a lifetime stain of pain for anyone who cared for the lost person. Survivors (those left behind in a lost person’s social circle) talk about their lives as changed forever. There’s the person as he was before the loss, and the person after the loss: a firm demarcation, forever transformed.
Please do not be afraid to talk to someone about the possibility of suicide. You are not giving him ideas; the ideas are already there. People often verbally signal that they are getting into a bad emotional place. You may hear dangerous talk: “They just threw me away like garbage.” “I don’t count for anything.” “The dead are the lucky ones.”
Depression is Treatable
Depression is a treatable disease. In talking with a depressed person it is helpful if you know people who overcame depression. A very depressed person is convinced nothing will help (but of course has not tried enough different things to help himself.) Never criticize the sad person, but help him see the depressed self is not the total of who he is. In treatment I will sometimes make people a paper “pie chart” showing the many roles they play in their lives. We may be doing poorly in one role, and well in another.
Loss is the largest risk factor in the decision to suicide. The person has been unable to tolerate a recent loss. Loss of status is the social circle is loss; we see the terrible effects of bullying and mean exposures of the person on the internet. A romantic break-up can be very significant. The loss of our formerly good health or our good job can be an issue; we feel diminished, “cheated” out of what was ours.
The Myth of Male Invincibility
Our culture is promoting many false values. One of the most destructive is the idea that all males are invincible. They can be hurt, but they make good and sure they come back and take revenge. Hollywood movies with revenge themes abound.
First of all, a “real male” doesn’t feel hurt. Second, if he does feel hurt, he doesn’t ever let it show. And lastly, he comes back, stronger than ever to “even the score.” As our men try to emulate this inhuman model and feel that they fall short, they experience a sense of failure and shame. Shame actually corrodes the part of us that can help us heal and correct past mistakes. Shame “douses” the hopeful part of our natures. When ashamed, we feel profoundly activated neurologically (the threat of public embarrassment), and, at the same time, for protection, crash into constriction.
The Role of Shame
We will not hold any feelings that are too painful and seek instant relief. These are very old survival skills, both normal and, at times, needed. When we feel shame there is an immediate constriction; we physically and mentally shrink away from others. A person in this constricted state will feel to us, and is talked about, as “shut-down.” The energy of the person slows. Shame causes us to give up. We feel angry at ourselves. The shame is profoundly isolating as it refuses to allow us to reach out for help from anyone, further adding to the pain. (In terms of treatment, the question becomes: how long can this person stay constricted and when will he be willing to reconnect? In what ways can we help him feel more comfortable to reconnect and will he accept comfort if he does?)
We can demand a more realistic picture of life for our men and women and can learn to laugh at the “invincible” movies. We can remind each other that what really happens in life is that “you win some and you lose some.” It doesn’t matter who you are. Let’s listen to each other a little more closely and offer help bravely.
You deserve your love and affection.
Susan Mary Malone says
What a great interview with Nancy. I’ve lost friends to suicide, and every time it shakes me.
I also love how you opened, Jennifer: Experiencing mental health issues is NOT a form of weakness.
So true. My father was a psychiatrist, and he always said it’s the strong who seek help.
Thank you for this post!
Lori English says
Jennifer,
This article was wonderful and really thank you for posting about Suicide and appreciate the wonderful job you did on making this important to all that have experienced a loss due to suicide or have know someone.This is a topic that I am speaking on , and your article is well written and really makes it so clear about our role as clinicians what we can do to make others feel comfortable about sharing their experiences.
Lori English
Roslyn Tanner Evans says
Just heard from our daughter-inlaw that a 13 year old in her sons class was just found & he hung himself in the woods. How tragic to lose a life so young. Our grandson is a sensitive boy who didn’t notice anything off in this boy. Taking his own life was a shock. The school has counselors on hand & he was encouraged to talk with them. This is a topic that needs to be talked about often. My heart breaks for the family of this recent suicide.
Tamuria says
This is such an important article and it pointed out perfectly how our expectation of people, particularly males, is so unrealistic. This in itself puts pressure on people to ‘hide’ their depression, considering it a sign of weakness. Just about everyone I care about has been affected by depression in some form – either their own or someone they love. Two of my sons have lost school mates who committed suicide. We need to keep talking about this.
Sabrina Quairoli says
Thank you for bringing us this reminder. I agree, it is important to communicate Hard topics with others when we notice a consistent change in behavior. We tend to not want to get into the topic because we feel like we are bringing it upon them. But, it is important to discuss depression out in the open so it doesn’t get to the point where they do commit suicide.
Christy Soukhamneut says
There are times in all of our lives when we need to lean on someone. Not every moment is happy. Suicide is not the answer. Tomorrow is always better. In today’s fast paced, social media world where our connections are not as close and everyone shares their perfect moments (all nicely airbrushed) it can be easy to forget. Sometimes a smile makes all the difference.
Reba Linker says
What a wonderful post! There was so much that struck a chord with me – the role of shame, the role of the male image – wow. There is so much in our culture that tells us to tough it out, or swallow it or whatever – just don’t show the pain. This article, and more like it – are doing such important work in bringing these topics to light.
Renee groskreutz says
Thank you for spotlighting this important topic. We need to say over and over again that needing help doesn’t make you weak or even less strong. We would never shame a child born with diabetes so why would shame an adult or teen who needs support. It doesn’t make sense.
Alene A Geed says
Someone close to me reached this point in their lives many years ago. I did not understand the issues behind the depression, since it has never been part of my experience. When seeking help from a counselor I was told that this person did not see ANY alternative other than suicide. This really helped me understand better and thankfully we were able to prevent this outcome. Depression is something we all need to be more cognizant of, especially in our loved ones.
Kristen Wilson says
This came at a pivotal point… I just learned that a friend of mine DID try… luckily he failed. His wife was the one that told me. I have shared this with her. I just had luck with them last Friday and had no idea….. so yea… just goes to show, you really don’t ever know.
Erin says
I have lost several friends to suicide. This article brings attention to many important points that are often “neglected” or overlooked. It is hard for people who have never experienced depression to understand. It is articles like this that help educate and empower. Thank you for your work.
Robin says
Great timely article. Teenagers need to know they are not alone; that someone cares, there is help, there is a way out. Youth programs at churches are beginning to shine the light on this, and that is a good thing.
Joan M Harrington says
Wonderful post and share Jennifer 🙂 Such a very important topic and one that needs to be read and shared! Thanks to Nancy for the awesome guest post 🙂
Sonya says
Suicide is so tragic 🙁 I can only imagine what people are going through.
Thank you for bringing this to light and getting your message out there.
Cyndi says
Thank you for sharing this! This is a topic that needs to be discussed.
Apolline Adiju says
It is sad to know what some people go through in the world. I have gone through difficult times in my life and I am happy I always had someone to talk to and eventually sorted out myself. Thanks for sharing this.
KATHY says
Such a difficult subject to bring up and yet so important to reach out and help someone who needs it. I know a family who has lived through a child’s suicide. They really will never be quite the same. As you noted, the shame, inadequate feelings and guilt overwhelm everyone. Your interview was very transparent and a great resource. Thank you for sharing.
Jackie Harder says
Love this quote: “Shame actually corrodes the part of us that can help us heal and correct past mistakes.” Depression (not suicide, thankfully) runs in my family. I was treated for depression before I learned that my sister and a brother also suffered from the same. There is no shame to having a chemical imbalance. It’s like being ashamed because your eyes are brown. Great piece.
Rachel Lavern says
Great job bringing awareness to this topic. From the wee bit that I have read about suicide, the individual kept a lot bottled up.
Joyce Hansen says
Depression is a real mental condition. People who think you can snap out of it or you need to be stronger only add to the ignorance. We need to continue to raise public awareness, like Prince William and the Dutchess of Cambridge and have more public discussions to educate everyone, including children. Thanks for sharing this vital information.
Vatsala Shukla says
Long term illness can often create the perfect breeding ground for Suicide Idealization, Jennifer. Moreover, the family may have gotten used to the illness and may in their effort to support their loved one back to good health, miss a significant signal. Sometimes, doctors who are treating the patient do it too. Quite often, it is a sudden change in mood to a happier one and people around the person think a recovery breakthrough has finally happened. That’s the time to be more alert because the unwell person has finally taken a decision – the one that creates the suicide survivors that are mentioned in the post.
We as a Society need to show more compassion and understanding. In fact, the Penal Code in India is being changed to remove suicide attempts as a punishable offence (coming from our British Raj Days) because the last thing we want is for someone to take a step from where they can’t return.
I’m glad you mentioned the survivors – in fact this is one of the few posts that looked at the aftermath of tragedy.
Diane says
Thank you for bravely writing about suicide, Jennifer. It’s a discussion we need to have more often with more people. As someone who has lost two family members to suicide, one in the past year, I know it’s devastating truth of shame and depression that envelops our loved ones to leave us. There is much more that we as a society can do to help prevent more suicides.